From a Hungarian guy I went on a date with a month and a half ago. This email was sent to me on August 3rd, which I had totally forgotten about till now:

Over the weekend, I did a test.  Very scientific of course!
My friend has this cute little puppy.  I have a 2 seat convertible sports car. 
So which one will get me the most numbers in any given hour?
I borrowed her dog and headed over to a local StarBucks by the beach.  Parked my car away from the coffee shop and walked over with my puppy.  Grabbed a coffee and sat outside.
The one hour test begins...
After 3 minutes, hot blonde walks up asks about the puppy, we chat for a few minutes then she meets her boyfriend, bummer.
Further 2 minutes, 3 teenage girls, sexy but not legal.
Another 5 minutes, hot brunette, comes over with her puppy, perfect.  After a few minutes of chatting she asks to join me, score.  We chat for about 20 minutes, she has to leave to a meet a friend but not before she gives me her number.
15 minutes past and 1 number so far, not bad.
Next 45, pretty slow.
Down to the last 15 minutes and we have a hot mom and daughter.  The mother is around 35 and sexy as hell.  I'm having MILF fantasies here.  They chat to me about the puppy because she wants to get her daughter a puppy.  Daughter goes inside to get coffee, I flirt with the mother outside.  She is VERY flirty, love this shit!
Before the daughter returns, she slips me her number under my coffee cup.
1 hour, 1 puppy, 2 numbers.  Pretty good I think.
So I return to the car, drive over to my friends place and return the puppy.
I drive over to a different coffee shop and park opposite the seats outside.
Everyone outside can see the car.  I go in, grab a coffee and sit outside for 5 minutes.  No girls approach.
I decide then to stand against my car, drinking the coffee, pretending I'm waiting for someone.
30 minutes pass, bored, no attention, few smiles, but no girls approach.  Once guy chatted to me about the color, not good!
Then I take the top down, site inside the car for 15 minutes, again, nothing.  I then decide to cruise down the beach for the last 15 minutes, lots of stares, no numbers.
 
Conclusion
If you want phone numbers, save your money on the car and buy a puppy and work on your puppy communication skills.
The car might help to get you laid on a date, but to get the date, a puppy can help!

You're Young?  You're Horny?  You want an easy lay?
You need a Cougar and here is how to get yours today!

 

 

Now we know...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby
oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband go t up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.  I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

If ever you guys out there need a reason not to get married, this is it!

When Wayne Gibbs asked RoseMary Shell to marry him, he gave her a 2 carat diamond ring and she happily said yes.  Shell was living in Pensacola Florida at the time and decided to leave her $80k a year job to move to Gainesville to be with Wayne.

About a month after Shell moved in with Gibbs, however, Gibbs expressed second thoughts in a note he left in their bathroom: He wanted to postpone the wedding.

Gibbs and Shell stayed together a few more months before officially parting in March 2007. Shell chose to take legal action and sued three months later.

During the three-day trial, Shell testified that she had given up a good salary with benefits to move in with Gibbs. In her current job, in the accounting department at North Georgia College and State University, Shell is making $31,000 a year.

Gibbs testified that he took Shell on several skiing trips during their partnership, made house payments for her, and gave her $30,000 to pay off some of her credit-card debt. He claimed he got cold feet after learning she had even
more debt.
Shell has over $42,000 is overall credit card debt.

After hearing the case, a Hall County jury awarded Shell $150,000 on Wednesday.

As for her engagement ring,  Shell said she does not know the value — but she will try to sell it.

All I can say is, WHAT THE PHUCK!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
 
"She just died and left me everything."

R.I.P.
My Metal Head Ex Boyfriends Dick.
May he go on to other places, and
Fuck other vagina's, and
Find many many orgasms.

A sad sad day indeed. The day I have to tell the tale of such great remorse. I absolutely loved having my ex boyfriend back in my life, just as friends. Though who would I have been to complain when our friendship developed into a casual fuck buddy situation? A greedy bitch is who I would have been, but in fact, I was quite happy. I could go to his house, hang out, talk with someone who was incredibly knowledgeable about Metal, and music in general, mess around, fuck, sometimes stay the night, and leave in the morning happier than ever. It was like having a boyfriend without the fights, or the drama, or commitment... OK so it was basically the perfect situation. It's quite saddening to come now, to the horrible news. Just recently I had stayed at his place, and the morning when he drove me home, after we grabbed some breakfast at jack in the box ( Didn't I tell you it was perfect? A fuck and some food? ) and he informed me that he would be going to visit a girl he had been talking to on-line for quite a while, and who lives a few hours away. *shrug* Whatever, fuck her, don't get anything, come back and keep fucking me. Is all I could really conjure up for much of caring. Though, When he returned, I noticed something different the first time I saw him. You've got to be kidding. They were totally fucking DATING. Even more sadly, He is not the type easily swayed to cheat, and especially not with me, whom he's seen do it to others many times before over the years. Hence, the depressing recantation of our sexual history.

Your Virginity
One of three that I've taken, It's half somewhere on a couch that I heard my parents gave to some friends of ours a few years ago, and half on my bed. I'm sure The Prudent Chick, totally remembers you losing it behind her while she surfed the net on my comp with her back to us. You were damn good for your first time.

Your Mom
Totally walked in on us having sex, and though both of us remember it different ways, it happened, and now I can laugh my ass off at your mom seeing me naked. Though I'm not sure if I could ever look her in the face.

Skinny Dipping
Will almost inevitably lead to sex. As it did with us the very first time we hung out after the break up and that long period of time where I was in la la land on Prozac. Sorry that your ex girlfriend found stains on your sheets, but the bitch hates me and I just think that whole situation was funny. Pinning me against the wall was awesome, I could barely walk afterwords.

A Kind of Threesome?
When you and the Stoner Girl/Drunk Girl stayed at my house, I expected a lot to happen. Unfortunately, she wouldn't for the life of her, pound drinks as she had the night of the amazing five some. She was probably a little buzzed when I crawled on top, making out with her and rubbing my hand against her. You taking my from behind while I did that, and eventually eating her out was just a plus.

Another Kind of Threesome?
Did you have to compare cock sizes with your Black room mate? You are awful! How could you rope me into something you know I don't do! Dark meat is a no no! Ugh, and I was so fucking sore afterwords that I couldn't even sleep with you to console myself.

A Finally Good Bye
The last time we had sex before your cock was zippered up and hidden away until your relationship is over, and you're over her, was pretty damn good. Though, I have to say, so was the breakfast at J in the B and the Dr. Pepper.

All in all, Thanks for all the awesome sex, and the great Cd's you let me burn. I will still hang out with you, I guess, because you throw awesome parties with lots of really hot drunk guys, and because you're still my friend, but it won't be the same without fucking you afterwords. Oh and by the way, no girl likes to hear about sex with the girl she lost you too! I don't care how open and chill I am, I so didn't want to hear that she called you the energizer bunny. Gross. I dub thee, Excalibur. Much better of a nick name than, Energizer bunny.

1. Oral Sex is illegal in 18 states
   
2. In Virginia, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on
   
3. It is illegal for husbands in Willowdale, Oregon, to talk dirty during intercourse
   
4. Sexual intercourse between unmarried couples is illegal in Georgia
   
5. Engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal in Washington, DC
   
6. In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner is having an orgasm
   
7. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth
   
8. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal in Florida
   
9. It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65
   
10. Sex with animals is perfectly legal for men in Washington state, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds

Some of these make sense.  But is there any reader out there who has not yet broken the law?

Me?  Off to jail I go...

Women on the internet

There seems to be a direct relationship between how easily a girl on the internet will meet a guy and how ugly / fat she is. The last girl I went to go meet out was so fat and hideous that I didn't even stop my car when I realized it was her. I may have dented my car and killed her but I definitely wasn't going to brake for that whale.

Older women at bars

If I realized how easy it is to bag Milfs when I was younger I would've been up to my eyelids in wrinkled vagina (and probably herpes) when I was 17. But I'm not 17 anymore and not horny enough to designate 5 minutes to responding to your old drunk ass. Go away. Go back to your husband and your kids. You're embarrassing yourself. Don't let the horny old drunk guys who have no game thwart you otherwise.

Time: 2:00 am
Location: My living room
Scenario:
Mr. Phucked (me), my three friends called “Doug”, “Mark” and “Sandra” returned home from a bar but not yet ready to call it a night.
We’re hanging out in my living room drinking some beer.
Mark asks Sandra if she will show us her tits. She replies with "only we take off our shirts first"
We remove our shirts.
She takes her top off along with bra. It’s on!
Sandra is sitting on the middle chair of a three seater sofa. Mark and I each grab a nipple and start to feed.
Doug kneels between her legs, removes her jeans followed by his own. I start to run my hands over her stomach and touch hands with Mark, we both stop sucking on our nipple and look up. We draw an invisible line between us, keep to your side, I’ll keep to mine!
We go back to our nipple...
Meanwhile Doug is desperately trying to get an erection to phuck Sandra but having a little trouble since he has consumed at least 8 beers and taken some “medicinal substances”
Out of the corner of my eye with a nipple in my mouth I can see him slapping his dick trying to get himself hard. Finally he does and starts to phuck Sandra.
Mark has now removed his jeans and promptly stuck his dick into Sandra’s mouth and is sucking on it like her life depended on it.
I’m reveling in this scene debating if I should take pictures. Of course I should!
I head upstairs, grab the camera and when I return Mark and Doug have switched positions.
Taking a few pictures, they don’t seem to care!
Mark finishes and heads off to the kitchen to grab a beer, returns and continues to watch Doug getting blown.
I ponder my next move, phuck a slut or have a laugh. I go for the laugh.
I decide to shoot my load all over her tits; it’s been a few days so there is plenty to rub on there. I complete rub it all over her tits until they are all nice and shiny.
Off to the kitchen I go and grab another beer.
Mark and I are now watching Doug and Sandra in the 69 position drinking our beer. Pretty good night we think. I snap some more pictures.
Doug decides to phuck Sandra missionary style and proceeds to suck on her nipples…
Mark and I look at each other and burst out laughing. After waiting for about 30 seconds I remind Doug with as straight a face as I can muster, that I just came on those tits about 15 minutes ago!
He promptly jumps off spitting, runs to the bathrooms and washes his mouth out.
Returning to the living room he begs us to never tell anyone.
We all agreed to never tell anyone.

I lied...

As the 10 year anniversary of losing my virginity approaches, I felt a bit obligated to writing something dedicated to the memorable men of my past.

--

Daniel - You were my first. How could I forget? You were tall, good-looking, popular, and in retrospect, a 17 year old child molester. Last I heard, you were regularly beating the shit out of your pregnant girlfriend.

Efren - You were my second, and the first to unofficially penetrate me on the backside. You're now married to your childhood sweetheart, and working as a pastor with children in the town next over to mine. What the fuck? Seriously.

Shawn A. - You were a first for a couple of things. The first person to ever get me to smoke pot and the first white guy I had ever slept with. The first time I ever slept with a guy who had a girlfriend - one who was attached to the hip no less. Also the first guy whose brother and father came on to me at separate times. Sorry I never told you about that. I'm also sorry you and your father were tweaking on meth so hard, neither of you could keep a job or pay the mortgage. Last I heard, granny died which resulted in your dad losing the house. I hope you're well. You were nice.

Stephen - My first puppy love! We met through Shawn A. I was 14. Man, you were great. You were also 19. You pervert. You also dated my second sister, and though it was only brief, I was none too happy about that. Despite everything, I'm glad we're still friends after all these years. Oh. I'm also sorry for never telling you I slept with Shawn A. behind your back.

Dave S. - You were my first sugar daddy. Except any time you tried to buy me anything, I would decline the offer because of guilt. I was stupid. You didn't care. I think you cared more about feeling like a champ because you were fucking my sister, then quit fucking her to fuck her younger sister (me).

Larry G. - We fucked at El Pollo Loco, in the bathroom, while your girlfriend was competing in our hometown beauty pageant. To this day, I am still confused as to why she even bothered trying. Didn't anyone tell her she looks like someone beat the shit out of her face with green war paint?

Dave B. - Though we're somewhat friends now, I'm really sorry for everything I did to piss you off. What did I do to piss you off? I have no idea. To be honest, I was so high on marijuana when I was dating you; everything just seemed like a blur, though I do remember the sex being awful. "You can at least moan or something, you know." "Uh, I'm trying."

? Smith - I can't remember your first name for the life of me, but you were in absolute love with me for two years. You were my first Marine, and certainly not the last. Born and raised in South Carolina, and dumber than a sack of sheep intestines, I often wonder: what the hell did I see in you?

Mozingo - You worked with Smith. In fact, you two were really good friends and partied all the time. You were pretty drunk, so you don't remember this, but I gave you a handjob behind the couch Smith was sleeping on. Shhhh.

Brian Harper - Beautiful and only 19 years old, you spent a week in jail for having sex with me. Sorry your neighbor let it slip. You were nice.

Shad B. - You molded my perspective on men in a very drastic way by cheating on me on Valentine's Day. I was so heartbroken. I haven't been the same since then. After that, I paid it forward and broke hearts left and right.

Carlson - I'm still wondering why I was sleeping with you. I know I was rebounding, but why you? You were known amongst your friends for having a taste for "younger" women. Oddly enough, I nearly married your squadron XO 4.5 years later.

Jerry M. - I'll never forget you. Though we're friends now, I'm really sorry for all the shit I put you through. Especially for that time that cop caught you going down on me in your truck at like, 1:00 AM. And he became suspicious that I was a minor. You covered up well. We had a pretty intense three month relationship, and somewhere between that, you started cross-dressing behind my back. Though your gigantic cock looks REALLY awkward sticking out of a skirt, I'm glad you've finally become comfortable in your own skin. I'll always love you.

Joe S. - You were my first official true love, and probably the only guy I didn't cheat on. Sorry for going batshit crazy the way I did. Took me a goddamned year and a half to get over you. I had a lot of fun though. I wish you well.

Chris R. - You were there for me quite a bit when Joe broke up with me. And the sex was awesome. The last time I saw you, you said, "Cheer up, kid. It takes time. You're going to have a lot to look forward to." Two weeks later, you died in a car accident. I cried and I cried and I cried. I miss you so much.

Jonathan K. - My post-Joe rebound. You lasted a whole 2 months till either: a) I got bored with you or, b) you EAS'd out of the Marines and went back to New York. You were so hot; you actually became the start of my Jew fetish. Last I heard, you were dating some beast of a girl you went to college with. Ugh.

Don J. - Every time I hear Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," I think of you. I get a flashback to the time you were in Orange County on business from Manhattan and you were flipping through radio station after radio station to find this song just because I said I wanted to listen to it. It took us all of four days to fall in love with each other and spent everyday of your business trip together in a five-star hotel in Newport Beach. It was a teary-eyed goodbye when you had to leave for New York. I wanted to say that I am sorry for rejecting you when you came out to visit me that following July. The distance scared me. You asking me to move to New York scared me. You're now married with a kid. Sometimes I wish it could have been me.

Clay - We dated for four months and only had sex once - and that was the last time we saw each other. I dumped you not much later after that. Put two and two together, you were fucking horrible. And you treated me like shit though I was as sweet as I could be to you. A couple of years later, you asked me to meet you for coffee before EASing out of the Marines. You confessed that you regretted treating me the way you did and that I was probably the only girl who was ever genuinely nice to you... which is true, except I cheated on you a uh, number of times. Sorry about that. Last I heard, you moved back to Georgia to work on a nursing degree and joined the National Guard.

Dave D. - My first long-term relationship. We were together for two long years, and I was 16 when we met. Sorry for lying about my age. And um, sorry for treating you like shit. And I'm sorry for cheating on you with your boss, Mark. And whoever else I cheated on you with while you were deployed. There were quite a few. I'm sorry, the sex was awful. I'm also sorry for moving out to Florida with you, saying yes when you proposed when I knew I didn't want to marry you, and breaking up with you a week after I went back to LA promising I'd come back. It wasn't working out. But you're a great guy and you're now happily married to a woman who actually pays attention to you. All in all, thanks for the gifts and the PS2. All my best.

Colvert - I'm sure, to this day, you still think about the time you drove four hours to LA from Yuma, Arizona to fuck me only to have me kick you out an hour later to drive back. You were my only Marine harrier pilot, but you were a great friend and one of the coolest, most understanding people I had ever met in my life. I miss you, wherever you are.

Warren - I'm surprised that after five years, we're still in contact. At the very least, you've made every fighting effort to stay in contact with me even after your wife knew who I was. We have a unique relationship, you and I. It's been intense, whether it is long-distance calls from Doha to have five hour telephone chats with me or you sneaking away from the wife or your duties as a Marine comm. officer so I can ride your fucking brains out in the backseat of your Honda. I'll love you always.

Matt N. - A three year long affair till you moved the wife and kids to Washington. The bodybuilding Marine Major I dubbed "Termite," a nickname you've always hated. It's one of my favorite memories, the Orkin man bursting through the hotel room door as you drilled away on top of me, both of us completely sweaty and naked. The Orkin man watched for a few seconds as I scrambled to pull a sheet on top of me. "DUDE, CLOSE THE DOOR!" you shouted with a handful of my hair in your fists. "OH, SORRY, BRO!" the Orkin man apologizing, as he quickly shut the door. We had amazing sex for 2.5 years but then the last time I saw you was the period where I lost my sex drive. You came to Seal Beach on reservist business and I came to visit. I was so unreceptive that you actually asked me, mid-coitus, if I "want the TV remote." I said no and continued to lay there. That was the last time we spoke to each other.

Mark J. - Oh, Mark. I love you and your quirky ways. Dave D. used to work under you till you went off to shore duty and after Dave deployed, we started seeing each other. You and I had more sex in a week than Dave and I had sex in 2 years. I don't think you cared though. I'm glad we're still friends.

Jenkins - Thinking about it now, I should have married you when you asked me. You were a brilliant artist, a talented musician, a respected Navy nurse, an officer and a gentleman, an Iron chef, and so forth. But you were hideous. When you told me you were in love with me, wanted to marry me, you said to me, "We're going to eventually come to a crossroad where we're going to get serious or we're not," I actually thought about how I wouldn't be able to bear spending the rest of my life with someone I couldn't even look at during sex. So I said, "No, we won't be getting serious." I then broke up with you. I'm also sorry about getting drunk a year later and calling you to ask if we could go to Vegas and get married. I was drunk. Seriously. Glad I sobered up quickly because you were in your shoes, ready to drive to Vegas. BUT! You're now happily married to what looks like an aesthetic equal, so good thing we never got hitched, eh?

Rickner - You were quite the complicated puzzle. You were an uncircumcised Jewish liberal serving the Marine Corps as a fighter pilot. You know, dropping bombs on Iraqis. But you were goddamned hot and I adored you to each end of the Earth even though you were one of those "I could totally fall in love with her if she lost weight" types. Despite your superficial propensities, I still let you cry on my shoulder whenever you needed it and I STILL let you blow a huge wad on my face - only because you said you had never done that before. Thanks for the pink eye, asshole.

Klemko - You were living proof of two things: 1) Marine helo pilots are not all they're cracked up to be, and 2) men with huge cocks don't necessarily know how to use them. But I really was almost in love with you and I am really